Eat me, drink me: A Halloween menu inspired by creeps in love
On October 13th, he asked me what was for Halloween dinner.
Wait, what's that? You haven't been getting excited for Halloween since the middle of August?
Oh you have, OK good. Phew.
Everyone knows All Hallow's Eve is officially the most romantic night of the year (apart from Harvest Festival).
And everyone also knows it's foolish to welcome the undead on an empty stomach (unless you have contacts willing to mop up your vomit with leftover Andrex from the mummification contest..)
Here is a list of Halloween snacks inspired by creepy couples real and fictional.
1) Marilyn Manson and Rose McGowan's Jawbreaker Freakshake
Rose McGowan once said cocaine was the reason for her breakup with Marilyn Manson
You can achieve a similar high by creating a liquid tribute to Ms McGowan's career highlight, Jawbreaker.
Ingredients: ice cream, high regard for Satan, gobstoppers.
Let's be real though.. much like Marilyn Manson's personal aesthetic, recipes you copied from Pinterest are magnificent in theory but the execution can be rough around the edges.
2) Audrey & Seymour's Venus Fly Trap Cupcakes
Little Shop of Horrors proves naming a plant after your beloved is a legit seduction technique.
Apparently the original ending of this film had the entire cast eaten by Audrey 2, the leafy carnivore who came for blood from outer space.
But that doesn't lend itself to a very upbeat song and dance number does it?
These cakes involve upside down strawberries with fangs, and the avant-garde twist is: you eat them.
3) Abigail Williams and John Proctor's Crucible Rabbit Stew (veggie option available)
Having an affair with the ringleader of a group of pretend witches is so Halloween. Especially when you're a Puritan.
Forgiving Elizabeth Proctor cooks her husband a stew using a rabbit that hops into the kitchen by accident: total metaphor for her innocence/ sub-par kitchen hygiene.
John seasons it without telling her which is almost as scandalous as the bit where he announces God is dead.
If eating a rabbit is more horrifying to you than witchcraft, this mushroom stroganoff is at least orange, which will go nicely with all the pumpkins, fallen leaves and Sexy Mice you have invited.
4) Sabrina and Harvey's Salem-shaped pancakes
Harvey and Sabrina's relationship was always kind of over-shadowed by everything Salem ever said or did.
If you can successfully attach Oreo-batter ears and whiskers to your Salem-cakes without making an atrocious mess you're a cleverer teenage witch than I am.
5) Macbeth and Lady Macbeth's Hell-broth
Persuading your husband to do a murder before planting bloody daggers on the victim's staff is thirsty work.
Hell-broth ingredients: Toil, trouble, spiced red lentils and root veg.
Maybe arrange an accidental broth spillage too, for an excuse to scream 'OUT, DAMNED SPOT' ..?
6) Sam and Molly's ghostly Boo-nanas
These two might not be the spookiest of couples but what is actually scarier than the nuanced ineptitude of Patrick Swayze's performance in Ghost?
Shoving a lolly-stick up a banana and dipping in white chocolate will be way less awkward than the romance between these two.
7) Vladislav and The Beast's Bisgetti with Hallucinated Worms
We all know deep down couples who argue the loudest have the raciest love lives.
(No. My boyfriend doesn't appreciate that excuse for poor anger management either.)
If your domestics are as uncomfortable as Vladislav and The Beast on the dance floor at the Cathedral of Despair, you're likely to work up an appetite.
8) Heathcliff and Cathy's 'Somewhat Cheerless' Cupcakes
If you want some haunted, windswept snack suggestions, you really ought to read this post which lists every meal in Wuthering Heights ranked in order of sadness.
Try not to think about spooning a cadaver while you bake these heartbreak cupcakes.
I know we've discussed overly-ambitious cooking projects already, but I believe in you.
9) Shaun (and Liz) of the Dead's Ku Klux Cornettos
That idea is probably in bad taste actually, because no amount of alliteration should ever justify serving food shaped like racists.
Shaun and Liz are the poster couple for understated gestures.
Just hand round some cornettos and if the reaction is colder than your ex's mother, head straight to the Winchester and wait for the whole thing to blow over.
10) Spike and Drusilla's Glasses of Blood
Blood cocktails for Halloween?
But these ones have absinthe in them, which makes the heart fonder, your victim's veins juicer and the pony ‘British’ accents suddenly much less offensive.
11) Morticia's Squid-ink Seduction and a Smoking Gomez
Bet you didn't see THIS coming did you? No you did, that's OK, I can take it.
These guys will have 'relationship goals' carved in gothic calligraphy all over their his-and-hers headstones.
The secret to their passion seems to be consensual BDSM and making out regularly by candlelight (provided by a six-foot-seven butler who cuts his own fringe.)
Try this potentially toxic combination of rum, squid ink and ...chocolate stout apparently? Chilling.