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Failed Vegans Anonymous: Why Can't I Stick to a Plant-based Diet?

Failed Vegans Anonymous: Why Can't I Stick to a Plant-based Diet?

Veganism is definitely the future isn't it?

First I watched Cowspiracy, because Leonardo DiCaprio told me to.

[caption id="attachment_3504" align="alignnone" width="1136"] OK then[/caption]

I realised cutting out animal products could do way more for the planet than refusing to have a single driving lesson or remembering to take out the recycling that time.

Then I saw Carnage because I've forgiven Simon Amstell for direspecting my favourite Sugababe in 2005.

Why did it take this long to notice how creepy it is making animals pregnant again and again just for some Dairylea?

The laughing cow has cute accessories but there are tears in her eyes. Think about it.

[caption id="attachment_3502" align="alignnone" width="300"] I don't think this is the actual laughing cow[/caption]

Unfortunately since I first decided I should probably go veh-GAHN (and pronounce it as such while telling the world about my smug new life choice) I have only managed to stick to plant-based snacks for a maximum uninterrupted stretch of 3 days.

I really can't do it.

Yes, vegan breakfasts, lunches and dinners are easy. Oat milk has been my fridge staple for over a year. Scribbling halloumi, eggs and salmon off the shopping list saves loads of £££ and all the good recipes I've discovered make me want to publish a cook book. Eat, Pray, Cackle?

The word 'flexitarian' makes me feel a bit sad inside.. but on the other hand I really can't bear to give up the mini Magnums.

My excuses are getting flimsier for falling off the vegan wagon..

Unless you live in a vegan treehouse and go exclusively to vegan team-building seminars with your vegan concubine, people are going to offer you fish, meat and dairy.

What if my housemate has prepared an irresistible plate of brownies, or my new boss asks if I fancy a flapjack?

When someone offers an edible treat, I find it physically strenuous to say no.

Accepting food, finishing up your plate.. Weren't we always told these were the keys to (good old-fashioned British) politeness?

Sharing food is how I make friends. Don't take anything off my plate though, I'm an only child.. but we can definitely sit next to each other at Nando's.

I genuinely find myself wolfing down ambiguous Chinese takeaway 'meat' so people won't look at me funny for leaving a pile of rubbery greige lumps on the side of the plate.

[caption id="attachment_3500" align="alignnone" width="640"] You can't sit with us[/caption]

Desperate to impress the humans next to me and fit in at the trough, it seems I'm less concerned for the animals who gave up their time/juices/body parts at the actual barnyard.

Won't everyone be inwardly groaning because they had to cook me my own exclusive nut roast?

Even Phoebe Buffay tried her best to force down a fatty mouthful of veal to impress her boyfriend's mum.

Food with friends is so important to me I feel an uncomfortable divide if my choices don't match what my gang is cooking or grazing on.

So I suppose the biggest issue I have is failing to connect my snacks with the facts.

The awfulness seems obvious in breeding animals just so humans have something to spread on their baguette.


However free-range, organic and generally Waitrose's finest their lives have been, however gentle and humane their passing (surrounded by candlelit farmyard friends?) they are still definitely dead for my feasting pleasure.

As nourishing as the pregnancy hormones might be for the cow's hooves and eyelashes, and as tough and streetwise as the orphaned calf became by the end of the movie.. I knew I had to ditch dairy even before this totes emoshe advert reminded me.

Obviously veggies and fully paid-up vegans are rolling their eyes right now, but I'm trying to convince myself it's better late than never to the PETA party..

So why then, actually having thought about the bleak reality of animal farming for the first time ever..

..How come I still can't stop myself reaching into the corner shop freezer for a Snickers ice cream?

My theory is this: greed, impatience, lack of willpower, entitlement and excuses.

I'm convinced the meat and dairy industries are crap, but I conveniently muffle the thought, like that time JLS released 'The Club is Alive (with the Sound of Music)' and everyone had to hum to themselves bravely until it was over.

I see absolutely nothing restrictive about a vegan diet, it's just that I feel it's somehow my right to eat whatever the heck is put in front of me.

Slice of chorizo? Gross. But it's right there, I deserve it, why should I limit myself ? Everyone else is having some. Eat it. Fuck it.

Wait for my super-pricey tub of coconut fro-yo in the weekly shop? I need this Twister lolly at the train station and I need it now.

The slice of the butchers knife, the udder infections, the sizzle of the electric water bath, the scissor-like tongs placed either side of the animal's skull..

My basic-bitch brain cells sigh, flick their hair and carry on texting.

I think maybe my pathetic limp towards the vegan dream needs to start by bringing a freshly-painted 'MEAT IS MURDER' placard to the forefront of my mind.

But it must be followed up with forward-planned, cruelty-free emergency refreshments (oatcakes are like crack to me so that's a start.)

I could also do with some pithy one-liners to deliver to carnivores so I don't offend them when refusing an invite to the Toby Carvery.

Surely just: 'Andre 3000 does it' will be fine?


Basically I know ditching animal products is important and totally easy. I know I'm lazy and weak. I think it's going to take me ages but I hope writing about it might spur me on to try harder.

Please comment, because I'd like to know if anyone else is a failed vegan like I am. Maybe if someone all glowing and regular could also chastise me/advise me on their vegan success, that would help too.

Sorry if any of this sounds cold or throwaway about animal cruelty.. I don't mean it to.

Love you all BYE

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